Long time gone

Been a long time since I wrote anything. Been going through a rough time, but tonight I am counting my blessings. I may not have the life I want, not yet, but I am alive. I am healthy. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love and he supports me and loves me, even though I can't always see it. I have the most amazing baby girl. She is beautiful and pure love. She's my heart. I am so blessed to have her. I love her so much. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clean water to drink and clothes to wear. I have a pretty cool dog too. She reminds me what unconditional love is sometimes. And we are all safe and healthy. Things are not perfect, but I have more than I remember to say thank you for. So, thank you God for all of my wonderful blessings.
Even though, I whine and complain,
you still love me just the same.
More and more
than the day before
and so much more than I can know
Forgive me when I doubt and cry
and for all too often asking why
I know there's more than meets the eye
and so I'll smile instead of cry
(or at least I'll try)
;)
Thank you Lord. Amen.

Keeping faith

I guess nothing is really over that you don't want to be.
Actually had a good conversation with Russell today. It doesn't mean things are all better, but it was an important step for both of us. So we'll see what happens. One step at a time.
I'm so scared and frustrated with not being able to find a job. It's hard to stay positive when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under me. I was offered an amazing opportunity, to buy the music school I have been teaching at. The owner is moving and approached me. She said she really wanted me to be the one to take over the school. This has been my dream for years, to have my own school. So, I accepted and began preparing to be the owner of my own music school. Something I have always wanted and now here it was. After a few weeks of prepping and talking and fighting and being excited and planning, the owner asked to meet with me and basically told me she had received a better offer and took it all away. She decided to go with someone else. She lied to me. Her actions were out of integrity and has left a detrimental impact on me and my family. So after reeling from that slap in the face, I was offered an amazing job in NYC, but told that they would have to let me know for sure, but lead me to believe it was pretty much good to go. That turned out to not be true either. It's not a definite no, but it's not a yes either. I have to wait and see and hope. However, waiting and hoping doesn't pay very well. It doesn't buy food or diapers or pay the rent or the bills. All of the jobs I've been applying for, don't pay very well and I don't really want. I don't know what else to do. I even contacted my old job and asked them if they have any openings, they don't.
So this is what rock bottom looks like? Please tell me there really is nowhere left to go but up. I don't know how much more I can take. If just one thing would turn out, I know it would restore my faith. Right now it's going fast. So fast, I don't know how much (or how little) is really left.
If the job in the city works out, it will save us. I will be able to spend time with my baby and make enough money to take care of her.

Please God, I know my faith is wearing thin, but this may be the most important prayer I have ever prayed. I need help. I need this job or something just like it to come through. Please, work your magic in my life. Wrap up me and my family in your healing and loving arms and help us to begin to heal and be better and have the life I dream of.
Amen.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've written. Probably cause I don't have much to say. Or, that I have a lot to say, too much, and I just don't want to say it. Very good things are happening. Bad things too. I guess I shouldn't categorize things as "good" or "bad." They aren't really good or bad. They just are. It's amazing how my apartment and my head are always in disarray at the same time. Over the weekend, my head was pretty clear and the apartment was clean and neat. Tonight the apartment is a mess and I can't make sense of my head. Is it really possible to have it all? Can you really have a wonderful relationship, a healthy family, a successful career, all at the same time? I thought it was. It seems it isn't so. Evidently, you're only allowed so much before something's gotta give. I know that there have been many times in my life where I have stood at a crossroad and had to choose my direction. I never really recognized them as that until after the fact. After I had chosen. I didn't even realize I had made a choice. I just figured that was the flow of my life and I was just going along with it. But I am where I am for two reasons. One, it's where I'm supposed to be and two, the choices I've made. This is the first time that I have been at a crossroad and can identify what is happening. I have to make a choice now. Left or right? Or do I just keep going on the same road? I can't turn back. So what now? Which way do I turn? Or do I turn? I'm not actually looking for an answer from out there. That's not the point of my writing. I just need to write. If I can get it out of my head, maybe that will open a space for the answer to find it's way in.

Guilt

Having massive, massive guilt today over feeling so crabby and cranky and just being depressed and in a bad mood. The baby was crabby today too. I should have done a better job empathizing with her and being sensitive to her mood instead of being so self absorbed and distracted by my own. I just feel so heavy and tired. And sad. I can't snap out of it. Ever since last night when I tried on that damn dress. I've known for a while that I need to get back into shape, but that dress just set off a downward spiral and I can't get out of it. I just hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I hope the baby does too. I hope her bad mood hasn't been a reflection of my bad mood. It probably is. I need to find a way out of this. For her sake, and mine. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being able to enjoy my time with her, or just enjoy my time at all. It's amazing how something like a dress that doesn't fit can trigger an episode like this. You'd think if I could slip into it so easily, it would be just as easy to get out. Not so. Damn it.
I got some advice earlier, to try listing 5 good things I experienced at the end of each of my blogs. It's worth a shot...
1. I made my baby girl laugh
2. She made me laugh
3. My boyfriend made me laugh
4. I taught some really great piano lessons today
5. I have the unwavering support of my godmother

Depressed

I just tried on my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding in early October. It doesn't fucking fit!!! It's too small, which means I've gained God knows how much weight between the time I called in my measurements (which was only a few months ago) and today. I couldn't even get the zipper up. Not even with assistance from my boyfriend, who, btw, is really being terrific, but I'm so fucking depressed, I can't even properly appreciate how wonderful he is. I have no money for the major alterations this damn dress now needs and, oh yeah, btw, I'm fucking fat. I used to be in awesome shape. Thin, healthy, six pack abs (well, almost) cut thighs, rocking guns... now, I'm a flab-fest. I'm so upset and so depressed. I don't even know what to do with myself. And I'm taking him down with me. He feels how down I am. I can't snap out of it. I'm so unhappy and disappointed with myself.

Figuring it out???????

Well, today was better. Went to work (make up for yesterday). Got a lot done around the house. Feeling a little less crazy. Very tired though. So stressed about money. How are we going to buy groceries? Pay bills? How are we going to pay rent next month? One of the schools I freelance for pays well per hour, but doesn't give me enough hours and are a pain in the ass to deal with. Another school I work at, the owner is trying to get me as many hours as she can but she doesn't pay as much. If only I could combine the two. Stay at the one school I like but with the money the other school pays. Guess I'm asking too much. So, while I await news from either school about work, I'm also looking for a daytime job, as teaching music is mostly an after school deal. Can't find anything that'll pay enough to pay the rent, the bills, buy food and cover child care. I'm having a freak out just thinking about it. Deep breathes. Gotta figure this out.

Grrr!!! Arrgh!!!

It's almost 9:15 am & it's already a bad day. I'm all too familiar with this feeling. My mind is racing so fast, I'm paralyzed by it. My throat hurts. I'm tired. Even the baby is cranky today. I didn't go to work. I feel like  I have so much to do, and I'm afraid I'll get nothing done. I'm so tired. My mind is so loud. I just want to hide. And sleep. I don't want to do anything. I'm so stressed about money and finding a job. The jobs I've been working aren't cutting it. Have to make more money or we'll lose everything. I want to take the best care of my baby. I just want to curl up in my bed. There's so much to do. It never stops. I sit here and close my eyes and try to be quiet but my mind never stops. It's never quiet. I can't find peace. I can't pick out one thought from another. I can't even hold on to one long enough to write it down so I don't forget it. As fast as it's here, it's gone. My dog just gave me a very disappointed look. (It's okay to laugh here. While it's a true statement, I did add it for it's comedic value. LOL) At least I can find a moment of levity. But only a moment. Now back to the madness.