Today

Weird day. Just a weird, weird day.

It's hard to be alone. To have no one you can count on to be there and support you with things that are important to you.

Passing it on

I'm so torn and confused. My daughter has been having issues falling asleep at night. She'll only fall asleep with me in the room, rubbing her back. If I leave before she's asleep, she begins crying herself into hysterics, calling me "mama. mama." I don't know what to do. I want to go in and comfort her, but she needs to learn to find her independence. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own now, while she's still young. It'll only get harder if I wait til she's older. But every decision I make, I question. Will she have BPD, because of me? Will she have to deal with the same bullshit I do, because I comfort her too much, or not enough. I don't know what to do.

Being on

Ever have one of those days... sometimes it's not even a day. Maybe it's half the day or an hour or even just a moment... when you're just on? You're getting things done. Things are organized and in order. You're keeping to a schedule and things are being crossed off the to-do list. And you just wish you could be like that all of the time. But then that moment passes, or something happens, and you return to chaos. And you crave being that person who is just "on." Because when you're on, you're happy, you feel like yourself. You're world makes sense. There's no stress or frustration. Things just flow.

Jumping out of my skin

I hate feeling like this. I think I might be pms-ing, but knowing that doesn't make it better. I'm so on edge. So irritable. So frustrated. I've just been feeling like I could just jump right out of my skin. I'm cranky & constantly on edge. Grrr. Arrgh. I HATE feeling like this. I keep grinding my teeth & tensing my muscles. My mind won't stop. Just be quiet. My body feels out of my control. I feel so uncomfortable & disgusting. I want to slash my arms. I'm getting fat. Between no time to workout and the fucking meds that are supposed to make me feel less crazy... I don't even know how much weight I've gained. I can't tell if it's pms or if I need another increase in those meds. Or maybe different ones. I'm so stressed cause I need to find a job so I can pay rent & bills & daycare & get health insurance so I can find a new psychiatrist so I can be less crazy. I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to be calm & collected. I don't want to be a chaotic psycho mess. Inside or out. My apartment looks like my head right now. Insane chaos. I can't clean either one. I can't keep up. I want to slam my head against the wall or slice my skin so I can breathe.  I HATE feeling like this. I want to scream. I want to get out of here. I want to stay here. Nothing feels right. All I can feel is the roll of fat where my six pack abs used to be. The weight & flab of my arms & legs. Anxiety. Jittery. Like if I hit my arms hard enough maybe they'd fly out of my skin. If I cut my legs I could move. I want to go to sleep. I want to stay awake. I want to feel good. Nothing feels good. Nothing makes it better.

Sad

It's actually really depressing to have a blog and not have any followers. Especially when your blog is about BPD...

:(  sigh

Ups and downs

Big picture... yesterday was a fantastic day. Crazy busy, but wonderful. We went to the zoo and then to the beach (my baby's first time) and then dinner with family. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. I felt so happy and relaxed while we where there. And I was so happy to be there with my friend and my boyfriend, and especially, my baby girl. It was an amazing day. The downs of the day were mostly during the travel. The ride to the beach was about an hour and a half and there was traffic. Almost the entire car ride down I felt anxious. Between something that happened at the zoo ( I don't feel comfortable going into detail as it involves other people) and the traffic, plus my boyfriend doesn't really like Long Island, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Instead, I dug my nails deep into my skin. Deep enough to still have stinging cuts on my arm today. He didn't see me do it and hasn't noticed the cuts. It was the only calm I felt on that car ride though. As much as it hurt, it was the only time I felt like I could breathe. Until, that is, I saw the ocean. Then I got excited. Once we got on that beach, my feet touched the sand and I saw and smelled the ocean... ahhh. Calm. I loved it. Plus I was with some of my favorite people, my good friend, my boyfriend and my gorgeous, sweet baby girl. Then a relaxing dinner with some of my family who all love my baby and she ate it up. She loved being with them. It was a good day.   :)

What Borderline Personality Disorder Really Feels Like