Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The BPD curse...
The curse of the Borderline individual... I really miss having friends. Not that I've ever had a lot. I did have one really good friend, my best friend, for a very long time. I finally managed to push her out of my life. Not really sure how that happened or how to make it right again. Don't know if it'll ever happen. Don't know if she cares to. But I miss her. It hurts a lot to not have her in my life anymore. She got married and I wasn't there. She just had a baby and I'm not there. She hasn't met my boyfriend or my daughter. It makes me so sad. I wish I knew if she missed me too and if she'd like to try to rebuild our relationship. She's got her life now though. The one she's always wanted. And I'm not a part of it. Maybe she's happier that way. Maybe I should let it go. I don't want to. She meant a lot to me. But, I destroyed that friendship before I knew what was happening. Before I knew I have BPD. Before I could tell her and ask for her understanding and support. I miss her. I don't want to let go. I think of her everyday.
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We sure know how to push people away, and that is the curse of having BPD, and at the same time having no one around for support. It's like we burn every bridge behind us with or without intent and purposely make it more difficult on us to make new friends to replace the old once. Another curse of BPD is Repetition, we keep on either repeating everything that's bothering us to our close ones, or we keep repeating the same behaviors we are so familiar with in order to feel a sense of control.
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