Guilt

Having massive, massive guilt today over feeling so crabby and cranky and just being depressed and in a bad mood. The baby was crabby today too. I should have done a better job empathizing with her and being sensitive to her mood instead of being so self absorbed and distracted by my own. I just feel so heavy and tired. And sad. I can't snap out of it. Ever since last night when I tried on that damn dress. I've known for a while that I need to get back into shape, but that dress just set off a downward spiral and I can't get out of it. I just hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I hope the baby does too. I hope her bad mood hasn't been a reflection of my bad mood. It probably is. I need to find a way out of this. For her sake, and mine. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being able to enjoy my time with her, or just enjoy my time at all. It's amazing how something like a dress that doesn't fit can trigger an episode like this. You'd think if I could slip into it so easily, it would be just as easy to get out. Not so. Damn it.
I got some advice earlier, to try listing 5 good things I experienced at the end of each of my blogs. It's worth a shot...
1. I made my baby girl laugh
2. She made me laugh
3. My boyfriend made me laugh
4. I taught some really great piano lessons today
5. I have the unwavering support of my godmother

Depressed

I just tried on my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding in early October. It doesn't fucking fit!!! It's too small, which means I've gained God knows how much weight between the time I called in my measurements (which was only a few months ago) and today. I couldn't even get the zipper up. Not even with assistance from my boyfriend, who, btw, is really being terrific, but I'm so fucking depressed, I can't even properly appreciate how wonderful he is. I have no money for the major alterations this damn dress now needs and, oh yeah, btw, I'm fucking fat. I used to be in awesome shape. Thin, healthy, six pack abs (well, almost) cut thighs, rocking guns... now, I'm a flab-fest. I'm so upset and so depressed. I don't even know what to do with myself. And I'm taking him down with me. He feels how down I am. I can't snap out of it. I'm so unhappy and disappointed with myself.

Figuring it out???????

Well, today was better. Went to work (make up for yesterday). Got a lot done around the house. Feeling a little less crazy. Very tired though. So stressed about money. How are we going to buy groceries? Pay bills? How are we going to pay rent next month? One of the schools I freelance for pays well per hour, but doesn't give me enough hours and are a pain in the ass to deal with. Another school I work at, the owner is trying to get me as many hours as she can but she doesn't pay as much. If only I could combine the two. Stay at the one school I like but with the money the other school pays. Guess I'm asking too much. So, while I await news from either school about work, I'm also looking for a daytime job, as teaching music is mostly an after school deal. Can't find anything that'll pay enough to pay the rent, the bills, buy food and cover child care. I'm having a freak out just thinking about it. Deep breathes. Gotta figure this out.

Grrr!!! Arrgh!!!

It's almost 9:15 am & it's already a bad day. I'm all too familiar with this feeling. My mind is racing so fast, I'm paralyzed by it. My throat hurts. I'm tired. Even the baby is cranky today. I didn't go to work. I feel like  I have so much to do, and I'm afraid I'll get nothing done. I'm so tired. My mind is so loud. I just want to hide. And sleep. I don't want to do anything. I'm so stressed about money and finding a job. The jobs I've been working aren't cutting it. Have to make more money or we'll lose everything. I want to take the best care of my baby. I just want to curl up in my bed. There's so much to do. It never stops. I sit here and close my eyes and try to be quiet but my mind never stops. It's never quiet. I can't find peace. I can't pick out one thought from another. I can't even hold on to one long enough to write it down so I don't forget it. As fast as it's here, it's gone. My dog just gave me a very disappointed look. (It's okay to laugh here. While it's a true statement, I did add it for it's comedic value. LOL) At least I can find a moment of levity. But only a moment. Now back to the madness.

Today

Weird day. Just a weird, weird day.

It's hard to be alone. To have no one you can count on to be there and support you with things that are important to you.

Passing it on

I'm so torn and confused. My daughter has been having issues falling asleep at night. She'll only fall asleep with me in the room, rubbing her back. If I leave before she's asleep, she begins crying herself into hysterics, calling me "mama. mama." I don't know what to do. I want to go in and comfort her, but she needs to learn to find her independence. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own now, while she's still young. It'll only get harder if I wait til she's older. But every decision I make, I question. Will she have BPD, because of me? Will she have to deal with the same bullshit I do, because I comfort her too much, or not enough. I don't know what to do.

Being on

Ever have one of those days... sometimes it's not even a day. Maybe it's half the day or an hour or even just a moment... when you're just on? You're getting things done. Things are organized and in order. You're keeping to a schedule and things are being crossed off the to-do list. And you just wish you could be like that all of the time. But then that moment passes, or something happens, and you return to chaos. And you crave being that person who is just "on." Because when you're on, you're happy, you feel like yourself. You're world makes sense. There's no stress or frustration. Things just flow.

Jumping out of my skin

I hate feeling like this. I think I might be pms-ing, but knowing that doesn't make it better. I'm so on edge. So irritable. So frustrated. I've just been feeling like I could just jump right out of my skin. I'm cranky & constantly on edge. Grrr. Arrgh. I HATE feeling like this. I keep grinding my teeth & tensing my muscles. My mind won't stop. Just be quiet. My body feels out of my control. I feel so uncomfortable & disgusting. I want to slash my arms. I'm getting fat. Between no time to workout and the fucking meds that are supposed to make me feel less crazy... I don't even know how much weight I've gained. I can't tell if it's pms or if I need another increase in those meds. Or maybe different ones. I'm so stressed cause I need to find a job so I can pay rent & bills & daycare & get health insurance so I can find a new psychiatrist so I can be less crazy. I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to be calm & collected. I don't want to be a chaotic psycho mess. Inside or out. My apartment looks like my head right now. Insane chaos. I can't clean either one. I can't keep up. I want to slam my head against the wall or slice my skin so I can breathe.  I HATE feeling like this. I want to scream. I want to get out of here. I want to stay here. Nothing feels right. All I can feel is the roll of fat where my six pack abs used to be. The weight & flab of my arms & legs. Anxiety. Jittery. Like if I hit my arms hard enough maybe they'd fly out of my skin. If I cut my legs I could move. I want to go to sleep. I want to stay awake. I want to feel good. Nothing feels good. Nothing makes it better.

Sad

It's actually really depressing to have a blog and not have any followers. Especially when your blog is about BPD...

:(  sigh