Keeping faith

I guess nothing is really over that you don't want to be.
Actually had a good conversation with Russell today. It doesn't mean things are all better, but it was an important step for both of us. So we'll see what happens. One step at a time.
I'm so scared and frustrated with not being able to find a job. It's hard to stay positive when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under me. I was offered an amazing opportunity, to buy the music school I have been teaching at. The owner is moving and approached me. She said she really wanted me to be the one to take over the school. This has been my dream for years, to have my own school. So, I accepted and began preparing to be the owner of my own music school. Something I have always wanted and now here it was. After a few weeks of prepping and talking and fighting and being excited and planning, the owner asked to meet with me and basically told me she had received a better offer and took it all away. She decided to go with someone else. She lied to me. Her actions were out of integrity and has left a detrimental impact on me and my family. So after reeling from that slap in the face, I was offered an amazing job in NYC, but told that they would have to let me know for sure, but lead me to believe it was pretty much good to go. That turned out to not be true either. It's not a definite no, but it's not a yes either. I have to wait and see and hope. However, waiting and hoping doesn't pay very well. It doesn't buy food or diapers or pay the rent or the bills. All of the jobs I've been applying for, don't pay very well and I don't really want. I don't know what else to do. I even contacted my old job and asked them if they have any openings, they don't.
So this is what rock bottom looks like? Please tell me there really is nowhere left to go but up. I don't know how much more I can take. If just one thing would turn out, I know it would restore my faith. Right now it's going fast. So fast, I don't know how much (or how little) is really left.
If the job in the city works out, it will save us. I will be able to spend time with my baby and make enough money to take care of her.

Please God, I know my faith is wearing thin, but this may be the most important prayer I have ever prayed. I need help. I need this job or something just like it to come through. Please, work your magic in my life. Wrap up me and my family in your healing and loving arms and help us to begin to heal and be better and have the life I dream of.
Amen.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've written. Probably cause I don't have much to say. Or, that I have a lot to say, too much, and I just don't want to say it. Very good things are happening. Bad things too. I guess I shouldn't categorize things as "good" or "bad." They aren't really good or bad. They just are. It's amazing how my apartment and my head are always in disarray at the same time. Over the weekend, my head was pretty clear and the apartment was clean and neat. Tonight the apartment is a mess and I can't make sense of my head. Is it really possible to have it all? Can you really have a wonderful relationship, a healthy family, a successful career, all at the same time? I thought it was. It seems it isn't so. Evidently, you're only allowed so much before something's gotta give. I know that there have been many times in my life where I have stood at a crossroad and had to choose my direction. I never really recognized them as that until after the fact. After I had chosen. I didn't even realize I had made a choice. I just figured that was the flow of my life and I was just going along with it. But I am where I am for two reasons. One, it's where I'm supposed to be and two, the choices I've made. This is the first time that I have been at a crossroad and can identify what is happening. I have to make a choice now. Left or right? Or do I just keep going on the same road? I can't turn back. So what now? Which way do I turn? Or do I turn? I'm not actually looking for an answer from out there. That's not the point of my writing. I just need to write. If I can get it out of my head, maybe that will open a space for the answer to find it's way in.

Guilt

Having massive, massive guilt today over feeling so crabby and cranky and just being depressed and in a bad mood. The baby was crabby today too. I should have done a better job empathizing with her and being sensitive to her mood instead of being so self absorbed and distracted by my own. I just feel so heavy and tired. And sad. I can't snap out of it. Ever since last night when I tried on that damn dress. I've known for a while that I need to get back into shape, but that dress just set off a downward spiral and I can't get out of it. I just hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I hope the baby does too. I hope her bad mood hasn't been a reflection of my bad mood. It probably is. I need to find a way out of this. For her sake, and mine. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being able to enjoy my time with her, or just enjoy my time at all. It's amazing how something like a dress that doesn't fit can trigger an episode like this. You'd think if I could slip into it so easily, it would be just as easy to get out. Not so. Damn it.
I got some advice earlier, to try listing 5 good things I experienced at the end of each of my blogs. It's worth a shot...
1. I made my baby girl laugh
2. She made me laugh
3. My boyfriend made me laugh
4. I taught some really great piano lessons today
5. I have the unwavering support of my godmother

Depressed

I just tried on my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding in early October. It doesn't fucking fit!!! It's too small, which means I've gained God knows how much weight between the time I called in my measurements (which was only a few months ago) and today. I couldn't even get the zipper up. Not even with assistance from my boyfriend, who, btw, is really being terrific, but I'm so fucking depressed, I can't even properly appreciate how wonderful he is. I have no money for the major alterations this damn dress now needs and, oh yeah, btw, I'm fucking fat. I used to be in awesome shape. Thin, healthy, six pack abs (well, almost) cut thighs, rocking guns... now, I'm a flab-fest. I'm so upset and so depressed. I don't even know what to do with myself. And I'm taking him down with me. He feels how down I am. I can't snap out of it. I'm so unhappy and disappointed with myself.

Figuring it out???????

Well, today was better. Went to work (make up for yesterday). Got a lot done around the house. Feeling a little less crazy. Very tired though. So stressed about money. How are we going to buy groceries? Pay bills? How are we going to pay rent next month? One of the schools I freelance for pays well per hour, but doesn't give me enough hours and are a pain in the ass to deal with. Another school I work at, the owner is trying to get me as many hours as she can but she doesn't pay as much. If only I could combine the two. Stay at the one school I like but with the money the other school pays. Guess I'm asking too much. So, while I await news from either school about work, I'm also looking for a daytime job, as teaching music is mostly an after school deal. Can't find anything that'll pay enough to pay the rent, the bills, buy food and cover child care. I'm having a freak out just thinking about it. Deep breathes. Gotta figure this out.

Grrr!!! Arrgh!!!

It's almost 9:15 am & it's already a bad day. I'm all too familiar with this feeling. My mind is racing so fast, I'm paralyzed by it. My throat hurts. I'm tired. Even the baby is cranky today. I didn't go to work. I feel like  I have so much to do, and I'm afraid I'll get nothing done. I'm so tired. My mind is so loud. I just want to hide. And sleep. I don't want to do anything. I'm so stressed about money and finding a job. The jobs I've been working aren't cutting it. Have to make more money or we'll lose everything. I want to take the best care of my baby. I just want to curl up in my bed. There's so much to do. It never stops. I sit here and close my eyes and try to be quiet but my mind never stops. It's never quiet. I can't find peace. I can't pick out one thought from another. I can't even hold on to one long enough to write it down so I don't forget it. As fast as it's here, it's gone. My dog just gave me a very disappointed look. (It's okay to laugh here. While it's a true statement, I did add it for it's comedic value. LOL) At least I can find a moment of levity. But only a moment. Now back to the madness.

Today

Weird day. Just a weird, weird day.

It's hard to be alone. To have no one you can count on to be there and support you with things that are important to you.

Passing it on

I'm so torn and confused. My daughter has been having issues falling asleep at night. She'll only fall asleep with me in the room, rubbing her back. If I leave before she's asleep, she begins crying herself into hysterics, calling me "mama. mama." I don't know what to do. I want to go in and comfort her, but she needs to learn to find her independence. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own now, while she's still young. It'll only get harder if I wait til she's older. But every decision I make, I question. Will she have BPD, because of me? Will she have to deal with the same bullshit I do, because I comfort her too much, or not enough. I don't know what to do.

Being on

Ever have one of those days... sometimes it's not even a day. Maybe it's half the day or an hour or even just a moment... when you're just on? You're getting things done. Things are organized and in order. You're keeping to a schedule and things are being crossed off the to-do list. And you just wish you could be like that all of the time. But then that moment passes, or something happens, and you return to chaos. And you crave being that person who is just "on." Because when you're on, you're happy, you feel like yourself. You're world makes sense. There's no stress or frustration. Things just flow.

Jumping out of my skin

I hate feeling like this. I think I might be pms-ing, but knowing that doesn't make it better. I'm so on edge. So irritable. So frustrated. I've just been feeling like I could just jump right out of my skin. I'm cranky & constantly on edge. Grrr. Arrgh. I HATE feeling like this. I keep grinding my teeth & tensing my muscles. My mind won't stop. Just be quiet. My body feels out of my control. I feel so uncomfortable & disgusting. I want to slash my arms. I'm getting fat. Between no time to workout and the fucking meds that are supposed to make me feel less crazy... I don't even know how much weight I've gained. I can't tell if it's pms or if I need another increase in those meds. Or maybe different ones. I'm so stressed cause I need to find a job so I can pay rent & bills & daycare & get health insurance so I can find a new psychiatrist so I can be less crazy. I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to be calm & collected. I don't want to be a chaotic psycho mess. Inside or out. My apartment looks like my head right now. Insane chaos. I can't clean either one. I can't keep up. I want to slam my head against the wall or slice my skin so I can breathe.  I HATE feeling like this. I want to scream. I want to get out of here. I want to stay here. Nothing feels right. All I can feel is the roll of fat where my six pack abs used to be. The weight & flab of my arms & legs. Anxiety. Jittery. Like if I hit my arms hard enough maybe they'd fly out of my skin. If I cut my legs I could move. I want to go to sleep. I want to stay awake. I want to feel good. Nothing feels good. Nothing makes it better.

Sad

It's actually really depressing to have a blog and not have any followers. Especially when your blog is about BPD...

:(  sigh

Ups and downs

Big picture... yesterday was a fantastic day. Crazy busy, but wonderful. We went to the zoo and then to the beach (my baby's first time) and then dinner with family. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. I felt so happy and relaxed while we where there. And I was so happy to be there with my friend and my boyfriend, and especially, my baby girl. It was an amazing day. The downs of the day were mostly during the travel. The ride to the beach was about an hour and a half and there was traffic. Almost the entire car ride down I felt anxious. Between something that happened at the zoo ( I don't feel comfortable going into detail as it involves other people) and the traffic, plus my boyfriend doesn't really like Long Island, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Instead, I dug my nails deep into my skin. Deep enough to still have stinging cuts on my arm today. He didn't see me do it and hasn't noticed the cuts. It was the only calm I felt on that car ride though. As much as it hurt, it was the only time I felt like I could breathe. Until, that is, I saw the ocean. Then I got excited. Once we got on that beach, my feet touched the sand and I saw and smelled the ocean... ahhh. Calm. I loved it. Plus I was with some of my favorite people, my good friend, my boyfriend and my gorgeous, sweet baby girl. Then a relaxing dinner with some of my family who all love my baby and she ate it up. She loved being with them. It was a good day.   :)

What Borderline Personality Disorder Really Feels Like

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The BPD curse...

The curse of the Borderline individual... I really miss having friends. Not that I've ever had a lot. I did have one really good friend, my best friend, for a very long time. I finally managed to push her out of my life. Not really sure how that happened or how to make it right again. Don't know if it'll ever happen. Don't know if she cares to. But I miss her. It hurts a lot to not have her in my life anymore. She got married and I wasn't there. She just had a baby and I'm not there. She hasn't met my boyfriend or my daughter. It makes me so sad. I wish I knew if she missed me too and if she'd like to try to rebuild our relationship. She's got her life now though. The one she's always wanted. And I'm not a part of it. Maybe she's happier that way. Maybe I should let it go. I don't want to. She meant a lot to me. But, I destroyed that friendship before I knew what was happening. Before I knew I have BPD. Before I could tell her and ask for her understanding and support. I miss her. I don't want to let go. I think of her everyday.

Crazy weather

Wow, jeans and long sleeves in August... crazy weather we're having. While the cool weather always makes me feel a little better, and while all in all it was a good day, I did have to apologize to my daughter at least 3 times for yelling today. I still can't always tell if my frustration is a BPD episode or normal parent stuff. Either way, I shouldn't yell. Not at such a precious little angel. Not at all. Despite my moments of frustration, she was such a delight today. She always is, but today was just one amazing thing after the next and I just feel so amazingly luck and blessed to be her mother. She really has saved my life. If not for her, I may never have sought help or even ever saw that I needed it. I would have lost everything and still been struggling and wondering what is wrong with me. Not that everything is all better now, but at least I know what's wrong with me and that I can get help. She makes me matter. To take care of her and give her the best possible life, the life she deserves, I have to take care of myself. So that she can have a mother who is healthy and can be there for her. A mother she can look up to. A mother who she knows will always be there for her, no matter what. A mother she can trust and love. A mother she deserves. 
Thank you, my angel, for choosing me to be your mommy. I promise, I won't let you down.

"Take the first step in faith...

... you don't have to see the whole stair case, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Having never actually "blogged" before, I don't know where to start. I'm (almost) 33 years old, I am a mother of the most amazing little 17 month old girl, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I am a musician and a behavior analyst. I have also recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess that's what sparked my interest in blogging. I know there are a lot of us out there, and for as much as we crave closeness from others, we can't help but make sure we are alone. But we aren't alone. Maybe that's why it seems so much easier to express ourselves through writing (well, that's my experience anyway.) Emailing, texting, blogging... it's all a way to communicate without actually talking to anyone. You can say what you need to say without being interrupted, but you can also disconnect and not have to feel the rejection and judgement that you are sure the other person is feeling toward you. So, this is a start for me. My own little online journal and journey to finding myself. You are welcome to come along for the roller coaster ride, if you think you have the stomach for it. 

Love, love, love.