Ups and downs

Big picture... yesterday was a fantastic day. Crazy busy, but wonderful. We went to the zoo and then to the beach (my baby's first time) and then dinner with family. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. I felt so happy and relaxed while we where there. And I was so happy to be there with my friend and my boyfriend, and especially, my baby girl. It was an amazing day. The downs of the day were mostly during the travel. The ride to the beach was about an hour and a half and there was traffic. Almost the entire car ride down I felt anxious. Between something that happened at the zoo ( I don't feel comfortable going into detail as it involves other people) and the traffic, plus my boyfriend doesn't really like Long Island, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Instead, I dug my nails deep into my skin. Deep enough to still have stinging cuts on my arm today. He didn't see me do it and hasn't noticed the cuts. It was the only calm I felt on that car ride though. As much as it hurt, it was the only time I felt like I could breathe. Until, that is, I saw the ocean. Then I got excited. Once we got on that beach, my feet touched the sand and I saw and smelled the ocean... ahhh. Calm. I loved it. Plus I was with some of my favorite people, my good friend, my boyfriend and my gorgeous, sweet baby girl. Then a relaxing dinner with some of my family who all love my baby and she ate it up. She loved being with them. It was a good day.   :)

What Borderline Personality Disorder Really Feels Like

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The BPD curse...

The curse of the Borderline individual... I really miss having friends. Not that I've ever had a lot. I did have one really good friend, my best friend, for a very long time. I finally managed to push her out of my life. Not really sure how that happened or how to make it right again. Don't know if it'll ever happen. Don't know if she cares to. But I miss her. It hurts a lot to not have her in my life anymore. She got married and I wasn't there. She just had a baby and I'm not there. She hasn't met my boyfriend or my daughter. It makes me so sad. I wish I knew if she missed me too and if she'd like to try to rebuild our relationship. She's got her life now though. The one she's always wanted. And I'm not a part of it. Maybe she's happier that way. Maybe I should let it go. I don't want to. She meant a lot to me. But, I destroyed that friendship before I knew what was happening. Before I knew I have BPD. Before I could tell her and ask for her understanding and support. I miss her. I don't want to let go. I think of her everyday.

Crazy weather

Wow, jeans and long sleeves in August... crazy weather we're having. While the cool weather always makes me feel a little better, and while all in all it was a good day, I did have to apologize to my daughter at least 3 times for yelling today. I still can't always tell if my frustration is a BPD episode or normal parent stuff. Either way, I shouldn't yell. Not at such a precious little angel. Not at all. Despite my moments of frustration, she was such a delight today. She always is, but today was just one amazing thing after the next and I just feel so amazingly luck and blessed to be her mother. She really has saved my life. If not for her, I may never have sought help or even ever saw that I needed it. I would have lost everything and still been struggling and wondering what is wrong with me. Not that everything is all better now, but at least I know what's wrong with me and that I can get help. She makes me matter. To take care of her and give her the best possible life, the life she deserves, I have to take care of myself. So that she can have a mother who is healthy and can be there for her. A mother she can look up to. A mother who she knows will always be there for her, no matter what. A mother she can trust and love. A mother she deserves. 
Thank you, my angel, for choosing me to be your mommy. I promise, I won't let you down.

"Take the first step in faith...

... you don't have to see the whole stair case, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Having never actually "blogged" before, I don't know where to start. I'm (almost) 33 years old, I am a mother of the most amazing little 17 month old girl, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I am a musician and a behavior analyst. I have also recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess that's what sparked my interest in blogging. I know there are a lot of us out there, and for as much as we crave closeness from others, we can't help but make sure we are alone. But we aren't alone. Maybe that's why it seems so much easier to express ourselves through writing (well, that's my experience anyway.) Emailing, texting, blogging... it's all a way to communicate without actually talking to anyone. You can say what you need to say without being interrupted, but you can also disconnect and not have to feel the rejection and judgement that you are sure the other person is feeling toward you. So, this is a start for me. My own little online journal and journey to finding myself. You are welcome to come along for the roller coaster ride, if you think you have the stomach for it. 

Love, love, love.